You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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