It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
