You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
