Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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