How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
