Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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