Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
