he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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