i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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