I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
