I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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