Nicole vs. Life
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
