I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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