My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You need Xanax blowdarts
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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