So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
