Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
