talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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