it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
