You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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