I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You smell like a Billy Joel song
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
