so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
where are my eyebrows?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
