i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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