If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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