I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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