all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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