My liver just broke up with me...
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
