I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
