we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize