We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
