No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
