My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
