Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
