I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
