Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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