i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
