First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize