I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
dude. I can hear the air.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
