Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
