i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
