All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
