i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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