i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
