Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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