life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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