Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
