I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
