I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
