we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
