Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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