all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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