So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
