Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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