i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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