and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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