Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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