I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
