Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
