I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We don't watch enough power rangers
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
