I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
