Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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