His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
