Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
