my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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