I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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