I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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