Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
