there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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