I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
