Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
