I CAN MOONWALK!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
