Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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