i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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