i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize