Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
