He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
