Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
