2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
