Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
